The family is the most basic unit of society.

• The greatest influence you will have on your child is not as mom or dad but as a wife or husband.
• The greatest gift you can give your child is to treat their mother or father with the greatest respect.

Principles to guide a family (Ezzo)

• One: The husband-wife relationship is the first and most basic social relationship established in Scripture.
• Two: The husband-wife relationship is the primary relationship in the network of dependent and interdependent relationships.
• Three: The husband-wife relationship must be viewed as the priority relationship in the family – the parent-child relationship must be secondary.
• Four: All non-marital relationships must be subject to the husband-wife relationship – including parent-child, adult friendships, relationships with your parents.

  1. You should as a couple – care for your child
  2. You should as a couple – respect and honor your parents
  3. You should as a couple – seek "outside" counsel

The birth of a child does not begin or complete a family; children expand a family.

• Understanding your mate is crucial

  1. To your marital relationship
  2. To raising a healthy child

• A child cannot meet your adult emotional needs – only your spouse can.

Foundations of a marriage

Commitment

• Couples with long term marriages didn’t stay married because it was always hearts, flowers, and grins -- they persevered. It wasn’t because they were perfect.
• Never, never, never, never, never, never, give up.
• You must be:

  1. Committed to God -- He must be the bedrock of your life.

  1. Committed to your spouse (and lastly).

  2. Committed to your family.

  Love and caring

• Self sacrifice – this goes for both spouses
• The Love Bank (Harley)

  1. Marriage is like a bank account -- if your are to have a healthy, growing marriage then you must make many more deposits than withdrawals.

  Communication

• You can build one another up or destroy each other with your words.

  1. Pv. 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death.
  2. Pv. 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
  3. Pv. 10:11a The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of Life...

• Your spouse can’t read your mind and you can’t read hers. You must first listen and then talk.
• Active Listening

  1. Never make your point until you have restated your spouse’s point to their satisfaction.
  2. Respond in the form of a question.

Understand your spouse

• The 5 Love languages (Chapman)

  1. Physical touch

     • Hugs & kisses most common
     • Holding hands
     • Gentle touches on arm, back, and shoulder

  2. Words of affirmation

     • Words of affection, endearment, and love (Affirming your love for and acceptance of your spouse)
     • Words of praise

  3. Quality time

     • Quality time is focused attention
     • Sharing your time with your spouse
     • Sharing thoughts and feelings

  4. Gifts

     • Symbolizes that you were thinking of "them"
     • It is not the size or the cost of the gift
     • The meaning of the gift is the thought and love associated with it

  5. Acts of Service

     • Doing for your spouse out of love
     • Loving service is a gift not "pay back"

  6. How to discover mate’s love language.

     • Observe how they express love to you.
     • Observe how they express love to others.
     • Listen to their most frequent requests.
     • Notice their most frequent complaints.

• Personality Types

  The best known is DISC (Rohm) and Lion-Otter-Golden Retriever-Beaver (Smalley).

  1. "D" Type: the Dominant, Driving, Demanding, Determined, Decisive Doer. Lion: Strong, sometimes aggressive, leadership. Task-Oriented, Faster-Paced.
  2. "I" Type: Inspirational, Influencing, Inducing, Impressive, Interesting, and Interested in people. Otter: fun-loving and the "life of the party". People-Oriented, Faster-Paced.
  3. "S" Type: the Supportive, Submissive, Stable, Steady, Sentimental, Shy, Status quo, Specialist. Golden Retriever: solid and faithful through thick or thin. People-Oriented, Slower-Paced.
  4. "C" Type: Cautious, Competent, Calculating, Concerned, Careful, Contemplative. Beaver: get it done right and have everything in its place when finished. Task-Oriented, Slower-Paced.

• When one includes hormones this personality stuff gets interesting
• Men and women are different.

  • God created us that way and it was not a mistake!
  • Women are emotional / relationship oriented.
  • Men are physical / task oriented.
  • Women like to discuss / share.
  • Men like to fix / "make it right".
  • Women are nurturers.
  • Men are protectors.
  • Men and women’s brains even operate differently (Brothers)

    • The right hemisphere of a man’s brain can and does operate without the left hemisphere being involved, and vice versa.
    • A woman’s brain uses and integrates both hemispheres simultaneously.
    • Thus, a man can give more focused attention to his work, while his wife can be tuned in to everything around her. This makes her more perceptive of people and their feelings and enables her, especially if she is a mother, to know what is going on in every part of the house at one time.

• Becoming one flesh is not limited to physical

  • It also encompasses spiritual, psychological, and mental.
  • God designed man and woman to complete one another and live life as a team under Christ.

• Men and women have different needs within a marriage (Harley)

  • His most basic needs in a marriage tend to be:

    1. Sexual fulfillment
    2. Recreational companionship
    3. An attractive spouse
    4. Domestic support
    5. Admiration

  • Her most basic needs in a marriage tend to be:

    1. Affection
    2. Conversation
    3. Honesty and openness
    4. Financial support
    5. Family commitment

  Sex

  • Love vs. Sex
  • Crockpot vs. Microwave

    Women need talk and non-sexual touch.

    Men need only a place and the opportunity.

  • Women’s sexual needs are an extension of their self-esteem.

    Home environment, work environment, and family culture all have an effect on a women sexual fulfillment.

    Sex not preceded by emotional contentment causes her to feel used.

  • Men ual needs built directly into their self-esteem.

    Sex within marriage builds his sense of value as a man.

    He will feel needed, fulfilled, and confident.

    He will experience the protection that marriage was intended to provide from the temptations of the world.

Final Thoughts

• Men often marry expecting her to remain as she is.
• Women often marry expecting to change him.
• The ideal is that you grow together as couple / family
  1. Build one another up.
  2. Raise your child to respect others and act responsibly.
  3. Have a vision for what your family can do to make a positive difference in this world.
• You can’t have a good marriage on your own.
  1. Pray -- You can’t change your spouse only God can. You may not be able to change yourself without God. Give it to the Lord.

     Get input from your spouse and possibly your children.

  2. Find another man/woman to covenant and/or be mentored by in being a Christian spouse.