Two sides of love

Giving – actions

Receiving – feelings

The 5 Love languages for Children (Chapman & Campbell)

1. Physical touch

   • Hugs & kisses most common
   • Reading w/ child in your lap
   • Gentle touches on arm, back, and shoulder
   • All children need touch

     Boys and girls both need physical affection equally

     Babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop healthier emotional life than those left for long periods of time w/o physical touch (research basis)

   • Older children may prefer wrestling on floor, bear hugs, give-me-5’s, etc.
   • Primary language is physical touch

     "I love you" is shouted with hug even more so than giving a present, fixing a bike, or spending quality time

2. Words of affirmation

   • In communicating "I love you", words are powerful
   • They nurture child’s inner sense of worth & security
   • Child reaps their benefits for a lifetime
   • Life and Death are in the tongue

     Cutting words spoken out of short-lived frustration hurt child’s self-esteem & cast doubts about abilities

     Children think we deeply believe what we say

   • Types of Affirmation Words

     1. Words of affection & endearment (Appreciation for the very being of a child).

     • emotional messages received long before child understands verbal language / warmth & love communicated through tone of voice, gentleness of mood, and ambiance of care
     • Love is abstract concept & children think concretely so communicate love in situations demonstrating warm & affectionate feelings

     1. Words of Praise (Praise for what the child does in either achievements, behavior, or conscious attitude).

     • Children know when praise is given for justified reasons & when it is given just to make them feel good.

     1. Words of encouragement (Seeking to give children the courage to attempt more).

     • Commend them for doing something right is better than condemning them for doing something wrong.

     1. Words of guidance

     • The right message delivered the right way equals positive results
     • The right message delivered the wrong way equals negative results

3. Quality time

   • When a child’s "love-tank" is empty and attention is the only thing that will fill it, that child will go to any length to get what he / she needs (Even negative attention is better than no attention at all).
   • Quality time is focused attention
   • Infants – feeding & changing alone give plenty hours of focused attention
   • Older children – requires real sacrifice on part of parent
   • Quality time is parent’s gift of presence to a child it conveys "you are important in my world. I like being with you.

     1. Being together (time with each child/positive eye contact)
     2. Share thoughts and feelings (quality conversations/ storytelling & conversations)
     3. Planning for quality time (mealtime natural event, other suggestions)

4. Gifts

   • Giving/receiving gifts powerful expression of love at the time they are given & extending into later years. For parents to speak language #4 must also speak other languages of love to keep child’s "love tank" full.
   • When parent offers gift if a child will do something, this is not a gift but a payment for service rendered.
   • Make most of giving

     1. Has little to do with size or cost of gift/everything to do with love
     2. Not the gift but the presentation (wrapped, given in front of others)
     3. Distorted giving (don’t shower child with gifts to substitute for other love languages such as quality time)
     4. Meaningful gift giving (genuine expression of love/not payment or bribe)

   • If this is your child’s primary love language, they will always make much of receiving the gift, they will want gift wrapped or given in a creative way, feel special as they open gift and want your undivided attention, will hug and thank you profusely.

5. Acts of Service

   • Parenting is a service-oriented vocation
   • In a family we all have different abilities/gifts to serve one another
   • As a parent, be careful not to force child to be a replica of you or fulfill your unaccomplished dreams.
   • Loving service is a gift not a necessity
   • Service is done freely without coercion
   • When you serve child with resentment & bitterness a child’s physical needs are met but not their emotional needs

6. How to discover child’s love language (it is likely that a dominate love language will not manifest itself until the child is six or seven years of age).

   1. Observe how your child expresses love to you
   2. Observe how your child expresses love to others
   3. Listen to what your child requests most often
   4. Notice what your child most frequently complains about.
   5. Give your child a choice between two options

7. Make most of love and speak all 5 languages to your child and teach them to speak all 5 languages
8. As your child grows you’ll notice 1 language that speaks love more than others but also note when that 1 language is used negatively your child feels very hurt.

Children are different and have different needs (Boyd, Boehi, & Rohm)

There is a reason the God tells us in the Bible to "Train a child according to his way, and when he is old he will not turn from it" (Proverbs 22:6). God is telling us to rear a child according to his individual giftings, abilities, and inclinations.

Most who study personalities and human behavior divide personalities into four general groups. The best known are DISC (Rohm) and Lion-Otter-Golden Retriever-Beaver (Smalley).

1. "D" Type: the Dominant, Driving, Demanding, Determined, Decisive Doer. Lion: Strong, sometimes aggressive, leadership. (Boyd, Boehi, & Rohm)

• Basic Tendencies – fast-paced / task oriented
• Greatest Strengths – Decisive action, takes charge, gets results, self-confident, independent, risk taker
• Natural limitations -- impatient, stubborn, harsh or blunt
• Communication – one way, direct, "bottom line"
• Fears – being taken advantage of
• Love Language – admiration/affirmation
• Under Pressure – autocratic, aggressive, demanding
• Decision making – quick, result focused, very few facts
• Greatest Needs – challenges, change, choices, direct answers
• Recharge – physical activity

1. "I" Type: Inspirational, Influencing, Inducing, Impressive, Interesting, and Interested in people. Otter: fun-loving and the "life of the party". (Boyd, Boehi, & Rohm)

• Basic Tendencies – Fast-paced, people-oriented
• Greatest Strengths – Fun-loving, involved with others, enthusiastic, emotional, optimistic, good communicator
• Natural limitations – disorganized, not detail-oriented, unrealistic
• Communication – positive, inspiring, persuasive
• Fears – loss of social approval
• Love Language – acceptance and approval
• Under Pressure – emotional attack (but may avoid public confrontation)
• Decision making – Impulsive, whether it "feels" right
• Greatest Needs – fun activities, social recognition, freedom from details
• Recharge – social time

1. "S" Type: the Supportive, Submissive, Stable, Steady, Sentimental, Shy, Status-quo, Specialist. Golden Retriever: solid and faithful through thick or thin. (Boyd, Boehi, & Rohm)

• Basic Tendencies – slower-paced, people oriented
• Greatest Strengths – patient, easygoing, team player, calming influence, steady, stable, good follow-through
• Natural limitations – indecisive, over accommodating, too passive, sensitive,
• Communication – two way, best listener, empathetic, feedback
• Fears – loss of stability
• Love Language – appreciation for acts of service
• Under Pressure – gives in, tolerates, complies
• Decision making – relational: trusts in others
• Greatest Needs – status quo/stability, time to adjust to changes, sincere appreciation
• Recharge – "nothing time"

1. "C" Type: Cautious, Competent, Calculating, Concerned, Careful, Contemplative. Beaver: get it done right and have everything in its place when finished. (Boyd, Boehi, & Rohm)

• Basic Tendencies – slower-paced/task oriented
• Greatest Strengths – accurate analytical, attentive to key details, high standards, intuitive, controlled
• Natural limitations – too critical, perfectionist, overly sarcastic
• Communication – diplomatic, keen observer, provides details
• Fears – irrational acts, criticism of their work
• Love Language – affirmation
• Under Pressure – avoids, withdraws, plans strategy to get even
• Decision making – reluctant, needs a lot of information
• Greatest Needs – time to do quality work, facts, time to analyze
• Recharge – private time

LION This child …

• Is very strong-willed and stubborn. She is determined to get what she wants when she wants it.
• Acts quickly and independently and likes to do things herself.
• Is generally not overly responsive to affection.
• Generally very active. She is an explorer and a risk-taker.
• Is hard to lead and more selective about she follows.
• Is easily angered and uses force to get what she wants.
• Is extremely competitive.
• Says what she thinks and tells you what she wants.

OTTER This child …

• Never slows down. She wants to have fun, even when playtime is over and it’s time to settle down.
• Displays intense emotional highs and lows. She acts out her feelings and has a flair for the dramatic.
• Is generally optimistic and enthusiastic in most situations
• Meets people easily and likes to be with people.
• Moves from one activity to another, often without finishing.
• May be disorganized, messy, and/or forgetful when it comes to tasks.
• Seems overly concerned about what everybody else is doing.
• Talks incessantly. She loves to tell you about her accomplishments and friends. She can be quite manipulative in her ability to convince you and others to do what she wants.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER This child…

• Is generally in a positive mood. She smiles and laughs more than she cries.
• Is generally seen as calm and easygoing. Her intensity of reactions is low or mild.
• Is less active toward trying new things and usually prefers the old and familiar.
• Cooperates with others and usually gets along with others
• Easily gives in when pressured and may copy the behaviors, rules, and mannerisms of others to the point of exaggeration.
• Has difficulty accepting sudden changes. She can be stubborn about wanting things to stay the same. She wants things to remain calm and peaceful.
• Dislikes fighting and avoids confrontation.
• Usually listens more than she talks.

BEAVER This child…

• First contact with strangers usually causes her to turn away or cling to her parents. She is slow to accept new people. She withdraws at first and adapts very slowly.
• Likes privacy and may at times appear to be a loner or unsociable.
• Asks lots of questions and prefers to take her time to think things through

BEAVER(continued) This child…

before deciding.

• Generally takes a cautious, hesitant approach to new situations.
• Level of physical activity usually appears to be low or moderate.
• Moods generally appear to be mild so that her initial reaction to unfavorable circumstances is quiet and controlled. Her internal reactions may be much stronger.
• Frequently appears serious and/or sad.
• Ask many (often complex) questions about specifics and needs many detailed explanations.

Taken largely from Different Children Different Needs: The Art of Adjustable Parenting -- Charles F. Boyd with David Boehi and Dr. Robert A. Rohm